And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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