I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
