Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
