my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
