Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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