wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
