So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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