You kept calling me your small dog last night.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
