sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
