Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize