Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Randomize
