Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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