No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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