You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
