Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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