I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
