cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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