My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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