dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
