Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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