she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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