Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
