Don't make out with my wife yet
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
