1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
