I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
