My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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