the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
