you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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