There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
