tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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