Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize