Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize