Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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