I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
