I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
