He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
