I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
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