Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Life is so much better after having sex.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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