He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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