How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize