I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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