im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'm bleeding and have questions
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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