well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
