I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
