smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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