She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
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