Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
