this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
