it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
