Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
