Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
