I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize