even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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