I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize