I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
