Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
