U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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