wrigley field is MILF paradise
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
It's rum buckets o'clock
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