I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
