I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
