I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I can't turn off my feet"
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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